The Squelch

Josh’s Mason Lake Headlines 09

August 19, 2009 in Stupid Headlines | Comments closed

By: Josh

Misunderstood circus clown collapses under weight of 5-year-old’s expectations.
Area copier mooned.
Area negro eats family-sized bucket of stereotypes.
Girlfriend gives local bar goer Pabst Blue Ribbon, ultimatum.
Dork can’t make it to party because of tractor beam.
Local outdoorsman smokes salmon, weed.
8-year-old vows to keep hiding spot secret, dies.
Thrifty rapper opts for white gold grill.
Competitive trance dancer raises the bar, roof.
Tie-die workshop sparks conversation, herb.
Kevin Costner mauled by wolves.
Gap-toothed loser eats beer can.
Nike breaks into horseshoe market w/ release of ferrous oxides.
Winged horse all local douchebag talks about.
Study: cream of mushroom soup provides no halucinations.
Darigold releases carbonated mega milk w/ apprehension, taurine.
Incorrectly placed question mark left with only questions.
Civil War reinactment still sucks.
Origami making dork buys ream of paper.
Fat jobless loser stuck in rut, door.
Sloppy heffer slaughtered, cooked and fed to sloppy heffer.
Flippin moron cracks tooth on trailer hitch.
Chris Brown hits top, girlfriend.

Donny’s Mason Lake Headlines 09

August 19, 2009 in Stupid Headlines | Comments closed

By: Donny

Headline plays it ‘fast and loose’ with grammatical structure.
Incomplete sentences in news headlines linked to comma shortage, government steps in.
Obama takes accusatory swipe at racist fly.
As the world turns, clock keeps ticking.
Area man’s teeth almost noticeably whiter.
Sen. Clinton to mediate talks between God and Oprah.
Delusional and fat found to be common amongst American Idol contestants.
Taylor Hicks to remain insignificant, poor.
Cardboard: the next housing boom.
Wide angle lense captures entire thumb.
Michael Jackson’s imaginary friend remains missing.
Local Circuit City closure provides much needed eyesore.
Local baby unable to put amazement with toes into words.
Area man’s joke dies, is buried beneath thick layer of bitterness.
Octomom signs deal for 6 tv shows, wants 8 more.
Coke sues Pepsi over rights to diabetes.
Local conspiracy theorist mistakes UFO discovery in photo as someone who gives a crap.
Unsuspecting victim should have suspected.
Bowel loses a bunch of crap in move.
Short angry meathead drunk again.
Subway’s Jared gains 40 lbs, reason to look for new job.
New government bill to ok hasty, poor planning for future government planning.
Emo kid stops crying long enough to die.
Primitively fashioned tool found to be a stick, waste of research grant money.
Quarantined siamese twins sick of each other, on each other.
Google maps finds Jesus.
Small dog mistaken for cute.
Dam cleared for upstream demon spawning.
Local dog mistakes butt for lunch.
New lake house filled with possibilities, a-holes.
Corn rethinks its role in poop.
Bono imagines a better world, wardrobe.
Angelina Jolie donates lower lip to Smithsonian.
Jonas Brothers get their picture taken.
Chicks in boat search shoreline for unrealistic romance.
Irony found to be cause of fan blown over in windstorm.
Hungover partygoers wish they could remember if they had fun last night, will try it again tonight.
Andy Samberg found dead on a m*&$#r f%^(ing boat.
Guy still has bowl cut, no girlfriend.
Mayonaise spill causes traffic, artery jam.
Angry prick yells at person who didn’t do anything, sucks.
Physicist has stroke of genious, dies smarter than most.
Dick Van Dyke trips on couch, acid.
Stabbing pain is knife wound, serious.
Agitated Mormon can’t bring himself to smile.

Nik’s Mason Lake Headlines 09

August 19, 2009 in Stupid Headlines | Comments closed

By: Nik

Area Cable man expected between the hours of 8-5pm.
Rappins spending plan to include different brand of 24″ rims.
Actor Kevin Bacon goes green, craps himself and lawn.
Bay area local suspected of being gay.
Seattle parking meter ticketed for loitering.
Music superstar Usher purchases last year’s model mercedes to reduce carbon footprint.
Chaos insues after tension holding holding cloud confronts another, thunder.
Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez steals 3rd base with Jonas Brother.
Young ambitious Mexican flies to America in the back of truck.
Family carpet arrested for manslaughter, could no longer take the abuse.
Keystone population enraged after police failed to apprehend retarded fugitive.
New Star Wars movie is a huge hit, Vader picked up by his mother after the movie.
Los Angeles bro remembers Pearl Harbor, bong.
Area track star gunned down by police.
Confused teenage criminal runs from authorities, posessive girlfriend.
Dick Van Dyke trips over couch, disillusion of talent.
Seth Rogan gains new movie role, chin.
Jimmy Fallon sets the bar of humer in the Straight-to-DVD genre.
Fedora hat angered in its obvious affiliation with douche bag.
V neck T-shirt accused of insisting upon itself.
Man’s moustache commands attention, ridicule.
Blind man asks for directions, given map.
Gossiping toilet claims to have s*%# on everyone.
Risk tournament holds high expectations, losers.
Keebler elves roast s’mores with area stoner during acid trip.
Iron deposit discovered below Silicon Valey deemed ‘ironic’.
College dropout attributes his unsuccess to an elementary school kick ball game he was not allowed to participate in.
Meth addict kicks bad habit for drugs.
Area hustler turns seventeen sevens in a row with domino tile.
Train station employees commence strike to end the destination double standard from airliners.
Colors red and blue finally admit to purple that it was adopted.
White trash skeptic hospitalizes himself, wife.
Jimmy Fallon’s fame continuing to ride on fame of Horatio Sans.
Conan O’Brien paid $10,000,000 to screw up Tonight Show.
NATO hearing deems Africa large, pretentious, and growingly uninteresting.
Local woman plans family vacation, husband plans escape.
Mediocre actor overlooked for role, life.